Ancient Booty Calls and WTF Aphrodisiacs

Feb 14

The Ultimate Historical Dating Guide: Love, Lust, and Questionable Decisions

Tired of modern dating? Sick of ghosting, swiping, and deciphering texts like they’re ancient scrolls? Good news! History has plenty of alternative courtship methods—though, fair warning, some of them involve sweaty apples and live fish (don’t ask). Let’s take a romantic stroll through the past and see how love, lust, and occasionally questionable decision-making shaped history’s dating scene.

1. The Heian Period’s Poetry Battles

Think crafting the perfect Tinder opener is stressful? In Japan’s Heian period (794-1185), your dating success depended on your poetry skills. Aristocrats sent elegantly written love poems to their crushes, and if the recipient wasn’t impressed, they’d fire back a soul-crushing rejection verse. Imagine getting friend-zoned in iambic pentameter. Brutal.

2. Medieval Europe’s Chaperoned Awkwardness

Medieval romance was less Netflix and chill and more awkward small talk while an elderly relative watches. Courtship was a supervised affair, with lovebirds exchanging gifts, letters, and stolen glances while a chaperone loomed nearby, ensuring things stayed PG. Ah, the thrill of romance… under the watchful gaze of Grandma Beatrice.

3. The Heian Sneaky Sleepover

For Heian nobles, poetry wasn’t just a cute flirtation—it was a gateway to sneaky rendezvous. Once the lady responded positively, the man had to stealthily sneak into her home for some late-night hanky-panky. If he got caught? Wedding bells. If he didn’t? He had to keep sneaking in undetected until visit number three, when the family made it official with a special mochi ceremony. The stakes? Hide-and-seek meets lifelong commitment.

4. Austrian Armpit Apples

If you think dating is gross now, wait till you hear about 19th-century Austria. Women would place apple slices in their armpits during a night of dancing, marinating them in their sweat, and then gift them to their beloved. The lucky suitor was expected to eat the love-infused apple as a sign of devotion. Suddenly, your date forgetting to wear deodorant doesn’t seem so bad.

5. Aphrodisiacs or Poison? Hard to Tell

History is full of bizarre love potions, but some were more lethal than lust-inducing. Ancient Romans swore by Spanish fly—a powder made from blister beetles that allegedly sparked passion but also caused horrific side effects (like, you know, death). Meanwhile, medieval European women made “love bread” by kneading dough against their naked bodies before baking and serving it to their husbands. Just when you thought sourdough starters were the weirdest bread trend.

6. The Ultimate Commitment: The Vagina Fish

If you’re looking for the worst historical dating ritual, congratulations! You found it. According to one (very debated) medieval source, women would place a live fish in their nether regions, let it perish (RIP), cook it, and serve it to their husbands as an aphrodisiac. The lesson? Be thankful your worst date experience is just a bad Hinge match and not an undercooked tilapia surprise.

Would You Survive Historical Dating?

If nothing else, this list proves that modern dating—while frustrating—is still better than consuming body-warmed apples or risking poetic humiliation. So the next time you’re tempted to romanticize the past, just remember: at least you don’t have to sneak past your lover’s entire household or eat an armpit apple.

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